Beverly Steinhauer // Professional Counseling and Mental Health, LLC
Specializes in therapy for individuals, couples and families struggling with sex addiction, CSAT
According to Dr. John Gottman, “the most devastating effects of porn use are more emotional than physical and more relational than personal.”
It is happening to other people, you think it isn’t happening to anyone you know; not your husband, your wife, your son, or your daughter but the statistics are shocking.
Life can be challenging. Depression happens. Depression is due to a chemical imbalance or is situational. What can you do? You are down, depressed, and nothing seems to go right. There you are in a hole and you have been here before.
Make an appointment with your therapist or talk to a best friend, someone you respect and can trust. Just talking can be cathartic at times. Are you on medication? Are you taking it as prescribed? Remember, medication doesn’t work unless you take it. Many times I ask clients are they on medication for them to reply yes, but it doesn’t work. My response is, “do you ever miss taking it?” They pause and think only to reply they miss it most of the time. Medication cannot be taken just here and there, whenever you remember, missing a couple of days between. It is not effective that way. Make a concentrated effort to put it somewhere where you will remember it. Getting back into a consistent routine will allow your medication to do its’ thing and give you a hand up out of your slump.
Sometimes you just have to come to your own assistance.
Get behind your self and push. What works for you? You know you better than anyone else. Waiting for someone else to make it right, complete your world, swoop in to make you happy is not reliable or realistic. You are in charge of you. You are the only one that can truly make changes in you. Meditation and mindfulness are both great at breaking this cycle of funk you are in. Get up, move, go outdoors. What brings you pleasure? What makes you happy? Seek those things out. Music is a great mood elevator. Turn it on in the house instead of the television. Watch what you choose to listen to as “Somebody done somebody wrong song” is probably not exactly what you need at this time. On the other hand, perhaps you need to give yourself a chance to identify and feel your emotions for a bit. Have a good cry if you feel like it. Now, it is time to pick your self up. No more sad songs. Choose something more upbeat. Find a doable task that you can complete and feel some accomplishment.
Absolutely, all of these things take effort, but is well worth it to break the cycle of the funk you are in. Remember…………………sometimes you just have to come to your own assistance. If you can’t get back in your grove, there is help. Find a good therapist or go back and see someone you have already established a relationship with that knows your history. Maybe you need more help than you are capable of creating for yourself. Making this effort can get you back into a healthier, happier state of well being.
I often see the betrayed spouses of sex addicts. They make an appointment and come in in crisis having just found out about their husbands infidelity via seeing a text on their phone, walking in to find him looking at porn, or becoming aware about an affair. They are confused, angry, hurt, in shock, and have no idea what to do. This is particularly traumatic when they are truly in love and surprisingly find out that the one person they assume has their back, is lying and leading a double life.
The betrayed spouse may well be dealing with a sex addiction or a form of infidelity. With the marriage being threatened, the troubled spouse may comply and come in for help. There is much that can be done to help with porn addiction, cyber sex addiction, multiple lifetime affairs etc. Thanks to the renowned Patrick Carnes, Ph.D. and his work in the area of sex addiction since the 1980’s, we now know what it is and how to treat it. He has developed a task-based model. CSATs (Certified Sex Addiction Therapist) have studied his model and become competent with this standard of care. We know it has worked extremely well for people struggling in these areas. Also, we know, the traumatized partner deserves a chance to heal from all she has been through with her mate. CSATs are trained to work with the partner as well. Whether she stays or goes, she needs a chance to process what she has experienced so that she may understand and move forward with a healthier insight of herself and the spouse in the future.
I have had patients in recovery refer to the worst thing in their life, turning out to be the best thing in their life. Basically saying, had they not gone into therapy with the crisis, they would not have had the chance to enter recovery and learn so much about themselves. This new found insight turns out to be conducive to a happier, healthier lifetime. Many couples do make it through the storm, stronger and closer. Do not suffer in silence. There is help for you.
