Beverly Steinhauer // Professional Counseling and Mental Health, LLC

Specializes in therapy for individuals, couples and families struggling with sex addiction.

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Aren’t we all addicted to sex?

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I recently heard this remark. Not sure if they were joking or serious.

I think the best way to approach this question is to ask what constitutes an addiction.

Merriam Webster defines addiction as: The compulsive need for and use of a habit forming substance (as heroin, nicotine, or alcohol) characterized by tolerance and by well-defined physiological symptoms upon withdrawal; broadly: persistent compulsive use of a substance known by the user to be harmful.

With regard to sexual addiction, I have heard several definitions, but I deferred to Patrick Carnes and his explanation. “Sexual addiction is defined as any sexually-related, compulsive behavior which interferes with normal living and causes severe stress on family, friends, loved ones, and one’s work environment. It is a compulsive behavior that completely dominates the addict’s life. “

Sexual addiction has been called by other names such as sexual compulsivity and sexual dependency. What ever you choose to call it, it becomes priority in ones life. It takes precedent over family, loved ones, and work. They will sacrifice these in order to foster their addiction.

Sex addiction is not more prevalent in any particular sector of our population. The statistics are pretty much consistent with those of recovering alcohol and drug addiction. According to Patrick Carnes, 3 to 6% of the population is facing sexual addiction. It is not uncommon for people to be struggling with several addictions at one time, but sex addiction is supposed to be the most difficult to stop.

Sexual addiction is different for each person. There is no set pattern.

Examples of how sex addiction manifests:

  • Having chronic affairs
  • Looking at pornography
  • Prostitution
  • Anonymous sex
  • Compulsive masturbation
  • Voyeurism
  • Dangerous sex practices
  • Exhibitionism

“Experiencing severe consequences due to sexual behavior, and an inability to stop despite these adverse consequences, is one of the main clues as to addiction, according to P. Carnes. In his book, Don’t Call It Love, 1991, some of those consequences are:

  • Loss of partner or spouse (40%)
  • Severe marital or relationship problems (70%)
  • Loss of career opportunities (27%)
  • Unwanted pregnancies (40%)
  • Abortions (36%)
  • Suicide Obsession (72%)
  • Suicide Attempts (17%)
  • Exposure to AIDS and venereal disease (68%)
  • Legal risks from nuisance offenses to rape (58%)

Persistent pursuit of self-destructive behavior. (They continue despite consequences feeling as though they will deal with them when they become a reality).

  • Ongoing effort or desire to limit sexual behavior only to find it makes it worse.
  • Getting married.
  • Moving to a new neighborhood or town.
  • Changing jobs.
  • Becoming immersed in religion.
  • Periods of sexual anorexia.

Sexual obsession and fantasy as a primary coping strategy.

Regularly increasing the amount of sexual experience because the current level of activity is no longer sufficiently satisfying.

Severe mood changes related to sexual activity.

In ordinate amounts of time spent obtaining sex, being sexual, and recovering from sexual experiences.

Neglect of important social, occupational or recreational activities because of sexual behavior.

There is much more to say, but I think I have supported sex addiction sufficiently to help one form an opinion. Let me also say, if you are concerned about this, the first thing to do is to admit there is a problem and seek help. Find a professional that is qualified to help. CSATs (Certified Sex Addiction Therapist ) are recognized as the experts in this field.

So, back to the original question, aren’t we all addicted to sex? What do you think?

 

 

 

Porn is ruining the lives of an entire generation…

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Yet another article as to how porn actually effects lives. Young adolescents and teens can become especially vulnerable, experiencing profound effects, such as erectile disfunction and the inability to have a meaningful, loving relationship. Their values and ideas become confused.

http://www.businessinsider.com/porn-ruining-sex-life-2011-10

What is addiction?

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There are many ideas about addiction and what it is.  Dr. Gabor Mate’ gives a very reasonable explanation of addiction.

http://www.filmsforaction.org/watch/what-is-addiction-gabor-mate/

Self-Awareness

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 These are simple words, but a large concept for some. Our lens (the way we perceive our world) can cloud or color our vision of ourselves. It is so hard to be objective when our emotions distort our interpretations of how we view ourselves and see our world. After all, we are a product of our experiences. Maya Angelo once said,

“ You’ll never remember what someone said, you’ll never remember what someone did, but you will always remember how someone made you feel.” There they are again, those feelings and emotions. So often we don’t really know what we are feeling. We just know how we are feeling. If it is bad, we try to escape those feelings quickly. How do you escape your feelings? Some people get really busy with work, cleaning, or a project. Some use alcohol or drugs. If this escape is a crutch, eventually they may develop an addiction. Some people just try not to think about it. How’s that working for you?

Jay Asher states, “But you can’t get away from yourself. You can’t decide not to see yourself anymore. You can’t decide to turn off the noise in your head.” As hard as you may try, those emotions are just there. You can develop some really bad habits and addictions trying to cope the best way you know.

Self-Awareness calls for introspection. Introspection takes time, sometimes painful, uncomfortable time. What causes you grief? C. G. Jung once stated, “Everything that irritates us about others can lead to an understanding of ourselves”. Perhaps this would be helpful, or maybe you already know what your problems are.

Identifying those triggers, those things in your life that act like a mechanical trigger in initiating a process or reaction by you, are essential. What triggers your painful, unpleasant thoughts that make you want to escape. Are you triggered by anger, a fight with the wife, money, financial struggles, or too much money? It is well worth your time to examine and answer this question. The Buddhist would suggest you respond to that question with an absurd answer, thus provoking a mental debate about the question. Look at options, talk with someone you respect, seek out a trained professional such as a counselor. Have some quiet time to think without the usual interruptions of the day. Invite opportunities to be alone with yourself. Take a walk and think, not ruminate (to go over in your mind repeatedly for an extended period of time, much like a cow chewing it’s cud)….., but think. Counter the negativity in your mind with just the opposite, the positive. Wear some good positive grooves in that brain to replace the old, redundant, distorted, negative ones. Meditate.

Some people hate being alone for the very reason that they may have to deal with themselves and their thoughts and problems. Rather than doing that, they prefer to be distracted by others, thus avoiding the realization of that which they would rather forget.

Instead of running from the emotions that haunt you, identify what they are, when they surface and what you can do to deal with them in a healthy way. If self-awareness is something you cannot accomplish on your own, healthy discovery in a safe place that offers confidentiality can be a good choice. Insight and self-awareness can lead to a happier you and a healthier sense of well-being.

Aren’t we all addicted to sex?

I recently heard this remark. Not sure if they were joking or serious. I think the best way to approach this question is to ask what constitutes an addiction. Merriam Webster defines addiction as: The compulsive need for and use of a habit forming substance (as heroin, nicotine, or alcohol) characterized by tolerance and by well-defined physiological symptoms upon withdrawal; broadly: persistent compulsive use of a substance known by the user to be harmful. With regard to sexual addiction, I have heard several definitions, but I deferred to Patrick Carnes and his explanation. “Sexual addiction is defined as any sexually-related, … Read More >>>

Why should I choose a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT)?

As a problem becomes more complex, it requires more specialized treatment. Certified Sex Addiction Therapists (CSATs) are recognized as experts in sex addiction treatment. Often sex addiction has underpinnings of trauma and abuse. CSATs are trained to pick up on things that another counselor would perhaps not see.

Take a Screening Test

The Sex Addiction Screening Test (SAST) is designed to assist in the assessment of sexually compulsive behavior that may … Read More >>>

SIGNS & SYMPTOMS

There are many signs that point to sex addiction, below is a list of some symptoms and signs to watch out for: Loss … Read More >>>

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© 2014–2019 Beverly B. Steinhauer
Professional Counseling and Mental Health, LLC
Beverly B. Steinhauer
MS, RN, LPC, CSAT, CMAT
bbs.pca@gmail.com
tel: 251-634-1990