De-Stressing the Holidays

November 15, 2015 by beverly steinhauer Leave a Comment

The kids will soon be home and the holidays are fast approaching. Most people love the holidays, but some find them stressful, depressing and sometimes lonely. Between work, shopping and all of the festivities, they can be totally over-whelming.

In October of 2000, Xylo conducted a random survey regarding stress and the holidays. The results showed the most frequent cited reasons for stress or anxiety were shopping, lack of time, and expense.

A bit of management can perhaps make the holidays more enjoyable for all. You do have the advantage of hindsight regarding past holidays. What worked well for you in the past. What was problematic? What changes might be beneficial for yourself and everyone?

Give everyone a heads up as to what to expect. Let them know that this year you are trying a few things differently. This way there are no surprises and everyone has a chance to adapt.

Pull out your calendar. Plan your holidays, events, family outings, shopping, etc. You might have to visit family one week early for Christmas or have a family dinner two days before or after to get around to everyone. Perhaps everything will not be celebrated on Christmas day, but this way you might get to see everyone and be ultimately less stressed.

Have expenses got you down? Set a budget. Take advantage of potluck dinners and spread the work around. Let everyone bring their favorite. With a little planning you can have full-course meals. Consider home made gifts this year. Of course everyone should not be limited to someone else’s decision of how they plan to give, but do what you can comfortably do and feel good about it. A homemade gift is a gift of one’s time and there is nothing more valuable than time.

So customize your Christmas and make a few changes in an effort to de-stress your holidays, and most of all….,while pacing yourself, enjoy the holidays, be nice and keep the joyful spirit.

Aren’t we all addicted to sex?

November 1, 2015 by beverly steinhauer Leave a Comment

I recently heard this remark. Not sure if they were joking or serious.

I think the best way to approach this question is to ask what constitutes an addiction.

Merriam Webster defines addiction as: The compulsive need for and use of a habit forming substance (as heroin, nicotine, or alcohol) characterized by tolerance and by well-defined physiological symptoms upon withdrawal; broadly: persistent compulsive use of a substance known by the user to be harmful.

With regard to sexual addiction, I have heard several definitions, but I deferred to Patrick Carnes and his explanation. “Sexual addiction is defined as any sexually-related, compulsive behavior which interferes with normal living and causes severe stress on family, friends, loved ones, and one’s work environment. It is a compulsive behavior that completely dominates the addict’s life. “

Sexual addiction has been called by other names such as sexual compulsivity and sexual dependency. What ever you choose to call it, it becomes priority in ones life. It takes precedent over family, loved ones, and work. They will sacrifice these in order to foster their addiction.

Sex addiction is not more prevalent in any particular sector of our population. The statistics are pretty much consistent with those of recovering alcohol and drug addiction. According to Patrick Carnes, 3 to 6% of the population is facing sexual addiction. It is not uncommon for people to be struggling with several addictions at one time, but sex addiction is supposed to be the most difficult to stop.

Sexual addiction is different for each person. There is no set pattern.

Examples of how sex addiction manifests:

Having chronic affairs
Looking at pornography
Prostitution
Anonymous sex
Compulsive masturbation
Voyeurism
Dangerous sex practices
Exhibitionism

“Experiencing severe consequences due to sexual behavior, and an inability to stop despite these adverse consequences, is one of the main clues as to addiction, according to P. Carnes. In his book, Don’t Call It Love, 1991, some of those consequences are:

Loss of partner or spouse (40%)
Severe marital or relationship problems (70%)
Loss of career opportunities (27%)
Unwanted pregnancies (40%)
Abortions (36%)
Suicide Obsession (72%)
Suicide Attempts (17%)
Exposure to AIDS and venereal disease (68%)
Legal risks from nuisance offenses to rape (58%)

Persistent pursuit of self-destructive behavior. (They continue despite consequences feeling as though they will deal with them when they become a reality).

Ongoing effort or desire to limit sexual behavior only to find it makes it worse.
Getting married.
Moving to a new neighborhood or town.
Changing jobs.
Becoming immersed in religion.
Periods of sexual anorexia.

Sexual obsession and fantasy as a primary coping strategy.

Regularly increasing the amount of sexual experience because the current level of activity is no longer sufficiently satisfying.

Severe mood changes related to sexual activity.

In ordinate amounts of time spent obtaining sex, being sexual, and recovering from sexual experiences.

Neglect of important social, occupational or recreational activities because of sexual behavior.

There is much more to say, but I think I have supported sex addiction sufficiently to help one form an opinion. Let me also say, if you are concerned about this, the first thing to do is to admit there is a problem and seek help. Find a professional that is qualified to help. CSATs (Certified Sex Addiction Therapist ) are recognized as the experts in this field.

So, back to the original question, aren’t we all addicted to sex? What do you think?

Seeing a Therapist….

July 22, 2015 by beverly steinhauer Leave a Comment

The thought of seeing a therapist makes many people uncomfortable. This is understandable as you go to talk about things that are stress producing, hurtful and troubling. It is difficult to walk into a stranger’s office and speak of heart felt, private issues. Counseling really is a unique experience. In my office you need to know you are in a safe place, you will not be judged, my ideas and values will not be imposed on you and everything we talk about is and will be confidential. It is your Vegas, just like the old commercial, “what happens in Vegas …stays in Vegas.” Confidentiality is the essence of counseling and allows it to work.

When clients come in for session, they have usually exhausted their resources and feel they need help, say a new perspective, options or a plan. Together we sit down, talk and decide what works for your particular needs and situation. Sometimes clients know exactly where the problem lies, but are not sure what to do about it. Other times, they know there is a problem, but have no idea what is causing it. Either way, training and experience come into play and with a collaborated effort, we will work through to resolve your issues to a happier, healthier state of well- being. This is accomplished with individual, couples, family therapy, or sometimes an appropriate combination.

Remember, “Life is hard.” There is no shame in having problems. You are not unique in that regard. It is sad and potentially tragic when people continue to live in the shadows of their problems, afraid to confront them, continuing to push them down in an effort to deal with them, consequently affecting their marriage, work and all aspects of life. Often the frustration and pain is too much and they begin to self-medicate. They will do any thing to escape these feelings. Your body hurts from depression and anxiety. For some, escaping to alcohol, drugs, sex, work, porn etc., feeling an intermittent reprieve, can escalate to an addiction. Before you know it, you have even bigger problems than before.

There is help. Find a good therapist, someone you can comfortably talk with that has the training required to help. I would be happy to meet with you and talk.

Five top Signs of a Gambling Problem

July 20, 2015 by beverly steinhauer Leave a Comment

Addictions can present alone or in combination with other addictions. Gambling, like other addictions, is escalating. Eighty percent of gamblers consider suicide following devastating losses, with one in five actually attempting it.

Top Five Signs of a Gambling Problem

Chasing Money ~ This refers to a gambler returning the net day to win back present loses. While in a new addiction, this makes sense. To anyone else, from any other point of view, more betting equals more problems, not a solution.

Higher Stakes ~ As with other addictions, use starts out small and eventually becomes unmanageable. Constant upping the ante, so to speak, is a common sign of a problem.

Disconnection ~ Problem gamblers put their priorities on hold for their gambling. This means neglecting relationships, poor performance at work or school and a failing home life. When life takes a back seat to gambling, you know a problem exists.

Betrayal ~ Lying to loved ones is a definite sign of a problem. This doesn’t have to be a huge lie, something as simple as hiding a betting slip or claiming a win, even though they experienced a loss.

Extreme Financing ~ This sign of addiction often shows up late in the time line. Running out of money does not stop the action. When bank accounts run dry and friends and family stop loaning money, some turn to extreme measures such as stealing, lying, forgery or fraud to finance the gambling addiction

Porn is ruining the lives of an entire generation…

June 29, 2015 by beverly steinhauer Leave a Comment

Yet another article as to how porn actually effects lives. Young adolescents and teens can become especially vulnerable, experiencing profound effects, such as erectile disfunction and the inability to have a meaningful, loving relationship. Their values and ideas become confused.

http://www.businessinsider.com/porn-ruining-sex-life-2011-10

De-Stressing the Holidays

Aren’t we all addicted to sex?

Seeing a Therapist….

Five top Signs of a Gambling Problem

Porn is ruining the lives of an entire generation…

Aren’t we all addicted to sex?

Why should I choose a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT)?

Take a Screening Test

SIGNS & SYMPTOMS

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